4 Things You Should Never Say to Someone Who Just Lost Their Spouse

I realize that having your friend’s spouse die can put you in a position of not knowing what to say — at all. I understand. My best friend’s husband passed away a month ago, completely unexpectedly, and although my husband died very similarly 14 years previous, I still found myself at a loss for words.
I’d like to relate some of the worst things my family heard at the time of my husband’s death — so you won’t make the same mistakes — and offer suggestions as to what might be helpful to say and do if someone you know encounters this terrible situation.
The worst thing my family heard at my husband’s funeral was this attempt at sympathy: “Our family knows just how you must feel. Our dog died.” Fortunately, although this comment was so incredibly bad we were left speechless, it has since brought so much laughter that the unsuspecting contributor has almost become endeared to us. So maybe stupid comments aren’t always a complete disaster.
The next thing you hate to hear when your spouse dies is, “I know you don’t want to think about this now, but sooner or later, you will find someone else to love, and it will all be better.” No, you REALLY don’t want to hear this now. All you can think of is your loss and how much you love your spouse. What a great husband and father he was, and how the world will never be right or OK again. Ever. And how much your children needed their dad, and how God cannot possibly be good. When someone gently reminds you that you’ll be able to get married again, the only thing you feel like doing is punching them in the face. Again, and again, and again. Sorry. But that’s the way you feel.
Another bad attempt at helping someone who’s just lost their spouse is to give them too much advice. Like, “Let me tell you how to raise your sons, now that they don’t have a dad.” Or, “I can show you a great way to pay your bills, or how to handle your money.” Although the grieving person might want this advice in the future, it’s best to wait for a couple of months until the initial numbness wears off. Then, it might be appropriate to say something like, “If you have any questions on this subject, I would be happy to help in any way I can.” When you act like your friend can’t manage without your help, it makes them feel as if you think they are dumb or incapable of handling the huge challenge they face. Honestly, they DO feel incapable at first, and they really need you to act as if you know they can do this. Offer your help at the appropriate time and then let them ask for that help when and if they want it.
Lastly, don’t tell them you understand if you haven’t been through it yourself. You don’t. You can’t understand. You never will until you’ve walked that same path. To say, “I understand” will just be a mockery of the pain that is so deep, they can’t even begin to express how badly or how deeply or how completely they hurt. The only thing to do is to hug them and cry with them. For a long, long time. And when you can’t cry anymore, just look around and see what needs to be done and do it. They will thank you when they break out of the numbness enough to even notice that their children were fed or their lawn was mowed.
Because right now, they don’t even believe the sun will rise tomorrow.